


Assassination Attempt No. 23

by pieandsouffle



Series: Old Light [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: APOLOGIES FOR MY BLATANT ABUSE OF TAGS, Gen, Humour, but its not ABOUT that, i just live for AUs in which anakin doesn't turn into a dickbag, i mean i haven't said there are relationships but there are indeed relationships, idk - Freeform, if the council didn't let dear obi-wan train our favourite psychopath, its more just showing the highly entertaining world in which anakin could have been a senator, like i mean in this anakin and padme are engaged, or obi-wan refused to, senator au, senator!anakin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 15:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pieandsouffle/pseuds/pieandsouffle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's odd, really. Tatooine's only senator (or, indeed, only person from that desert planet capable of reading and writing or actually has the vaguest understanding of politics), Anakin Skywalker seems to be one of those rare individuals who attract bounty hunters like flies zero in on a bantha corpse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Assassination Attempt No. 23

In all honesty, Senator Anakin Skywalker, first (and only) political representative of the outlying world of Tatooine, was not surprised in the slightest to find that he was subject to many of the most lethal and bizarre assassination attempts recorded in the galaxy, and probably beyond. The list was extensive and each stab at it (no pun intended) managed to remain unique enough to the point where he actually possessed a small datapad devoted to inscribing (with enthusiasm that his Jedi protector frowned upon) these various efforts to end his rather short life.

 

First and foremost on the list, his personal favourite, was when a Mon Calamari bounty hunter (who was apprehended relatively quickly by Anakin himself) had taken the time and effort to flood his and Padmé’s apartments with a _lot_ of sand. Tonnes of it, in fact. But Anakin was Tatooinian born; he was familiar with quicksand and anything similar, so it was practically child’s play wading through, blind and deaf to Coruscant, until he eventually found the window and jumped out. The cleaning bill had been astronomical, but fortunately neither he nor Padmé were short on money, thanks to their current careers as politicians and her previous one as a queen.

 

This had been maybe the eighth or ninth attempt on his life, but Anakin remained completely unworried about his impending doom. He was, after all, the child who won a Podrace at nine years old and blew up a Separatist battle station in the same week.

 

Unfortunately, the Senate and the Jedi council did not share his carefree views on looming assassination attempts, and the dastardly sand plot was the last straw, when they stood up and decided that it was unacceptable that such a young senator, one who spoke so strongly and persuasively against slavery, regularly had to move place of residence because of multiple attempts of his murder, creativity be damned. (The Jedi also kept a very close eye on him, considering that they seemed to believe he was the child of some prophecy. It was kriffing poodoo, he thought) (Also the idea of a past queen of Naboo, one who also experienced frequent death threats, moving around restlessly made many senators gasp in horror and cover their mouths with manicured hands). So they instigated the unwelcome idea of having Anakin constantly surveyed by a beardy Jedi knight named Obi-Wan Kenobi. Each of his endeavoured executions had worried them incessantly, and they firmly believed that the presence of a Jedi would dissuade any lurking bounty hunters from further firing bombs, blaster bolts, and small, carnivorous animals into Anakin’s apartment and just generally in the street; mynocks had a nasty habit of disturbing the peace.

 

However, as usual with the Jedi council (or at least in Anakin’s somewhat less than humble opinion), this instead sparked a flame that sent things crashing from mildly to spectacularly into a gigantic heap of aflame bantha manure.

 

Anakin supposed he should be grateful that the Council had given him a protector that he actually was acquainted with. But since he was curled up in a sewer, swearing in every language he knew of, with the exceedingly pissed-off Jedi master who was also occasionally parting with curses in a well-spoken, pretentious manner; he couldn’t help but wish the council had granted him a bodyguard who didn’t happen to be a Republic general with a bounty even larger than his own.

 

The result had been the convergence of nearly every bounty hunter in the system and them, and as entertaining Anakin found his near-deaths, it was far more difficult to stay alive than usual, especially since the hunters were also aiming for Master Kenobi who, as remarkable as he was, was not capable of defending them both using the Force or a lightsabre in the face of- a lot of would-be assassins.

 

“Well this is karking brilliant,” Anakin said drily, trying not to breathe in any of the organic and pungent matter he was sitting waist-deep in. He’d never been in a sewer before, even though when he’d first arrived, he’d spent an extraordinary amount of time prowling the undercity for droid parts with which to occupy himself.  Now that he was here, he thought gloomily, it seems he should have paid the garbage chutes a visit. In the few cramped, nauseating minutes he had spent there, already a considerable number of high-quality mechanical parts had floated by cheerily. He stashed them in his senatorial robes (not quite as nice as they had once been) and convinced himself that the Jedi wasn’t looking at him with mixed amusement and resignation.

 

Anakin told himself that it was best if he took them anyway, recycling was generally smiled upon and, if he was truthful, he spent more of his time reassembling droids than thinking about bills.

 

Sometimes he wondered whether his choice of profession was the best. But the abolishment of slavery was far more important than tinkering around a jetfighter, and so would only throw away politics when every sentient life form in the galaxy was free. As this was a fairly ambitious chore, Anakin was sure he and his descendants for the next few millennia would have quite a task ahead of them.

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi muttered a few Coruscanti profanities that Anakin wasn’t familiar with and wiped some unpleasant substance from his beard. “I must agree with you there, Senator Skywalker,” he replied. “It’s certainly not a place I’d like to be in normally.”

 

Anakin refrained from loudly vocalizing how unnecessary it was for Master Kenobi to say this; only a creature evolved to live in the by-products of an entire city would be content to reside in such a putrid place with two irritable humans. It was true that the Jedi’s quick thinking had probably saved them from certain death, but Anakin was used to doing things independently. How was he supposed to make his way through life if he had a kriffing bodyguard trailing him, expectantly awaiting him to do something stupid or for someone else to do something dumber _to_ him? His life was in his _own_ hands, thank you very much, and he didn’t need _Obi-Wan Kenobi_ of all people to swoop along and catch him. He could deal with the fall, and he would, in his own terms.

 

He couldn’t exactly chide the Jedi for saving their lives, and so only other option for sniping, he thought, not very regretfully, was to be blameful of the fact that _he_ could have done a better job.

 

“You should have let me handle it,” Anakin said accusingly, snaffling a small and undamaged motivator from the sludge while Kenobi rolled his eyes exasperatedly. “Then we wouldn’t _be_ here.”

 

“Handle two dozen bounty hunters?” the Jedi asked him coolly, somehow looking placid and unruffled, even sitting as he was in an alarmingly deep pool of muck. “Your powers of peaceful negotiation wouldn't persuade _one_ of them to drop the chase. And brute force will merely up your bounty when the ones who ordered your assassination see the defeat- or in your case, murder,” Obi-Wan added in an undertone, “of the hunters. It’s a vicious circle, Anakin.”

 

“I should have at least had the chance,” Anakin argued, doing his very best to ignore the sense in the Jedi’s words. “None of them have come even slightly close to ending me.”

 

“An Asajj Ventress would resent that claim, senator,” Obi-Wan replied, a touch of asperity in his otherwise composed tone. Anakin automatically reached up and touched the scars the Sith woman had dealt him across his eye and cheek, before forcing his hand down when Kenobi noticed the gesture, raised an eyebrow and a small, smug smile began crawling across the man’s features.

 

There was no need to give the Jedi any satisfaction for being completely correct. Anakin yanked his hair down as far as possible, hiding the gash prominently displayed on his eyebrow.

 

“I only allowed her to get that far because I wanted to see what she’d do,” Anakin retorted, blatantly lying. “That harpy was never a danger.”

 

“Of course, senator,” Obi-Wan said calmly, and even though it was hardly a sharp sentence, the young Tatooinian senator knew he was losing this battle of verbalised wit. The addition of, “I suppose young Padmé would be gratified to discover that despite her fiancé’s gruesome assassination, he was able to witness more imaginative methods of execution,” firmly threw the trophy of victory in the filthy hands of the Jedi knight. “I’m sure the sewer is more pleasant than Padmé weeping over your grave, am I wrong?”

 

Well, Anakin had never had a verbal victory over Obi-Wan Kenobi in the past (and probably not in the foreseeable future), so he was unsurprised by the outcome, but still glowered at the Jedi for a while to ease his defeated soul.

 

And yes, Padmé mattered more than anything.

 

Maybe even slavery. But Anakin wasn’t 100% sure on that, so he just allowed them both to occupy (admittedly jostling each other) the top slot on his ‘most important things in the galaxy list, which was nowhere near as full as his ‘Ways People Have Tried To Kill Me’ catalogue, which could in its own right become a full length novel and be adapted into a holofilm.

 

“You win this time, Kenobi,” Anakin allowed, pointing a wasted glare in Obi-Wan’s direction; he wasn’t watching and it was too dark to feel the full effects of it anyway.

 

“I always seem to,” the Jedi replied smugly.

 

***

 

Ahsoka drummed her fingers impatiently on the hilt of her lightsabre, too distracted to take a sip of the fizzy juice Senator Ami- _Padm_ _é_ had so kindly placed in front of her. She would apologise, but her master was supposed to have returned hours ago, along with his charge, the highly-sought-after-by-criminals Senator Anakin Skywalker, and her host seemed more focused on worrying about her wayward fiancé than an untouched drink. Ahsoka had felt a distinct quiver in the Force, enough to get her mildly worried over her master and her best friend, but not enough to warrant her bursting from the apartment and searching the city for the pair.

 

While Ahsoka was sunk deep in the comfort of the softest chairs she had ever had the good fortune to occupy, Padmé was pacing the living room and fretting over Anakin’s whereabouts and possible physical condition. Although none of her concerns were spoken aloud, the young Jedi Padawan could feel them emanating from her like- well, anything with a very strong smell.

 

A small beeping brought an abrupt halt to the senator’s patrol of the room; she practically sprinted over to the comlink, fancy dress billowing out behind her _very_ menacingly and quite like a Jedi cloak, and snapped, “Yes? Who is this?”

 

The small, wavering, blue projection of Bail Organa rose from the tiny device sitting in the palm of her hand, looking slightly affronted from his somewhat less than respectful greeting from one of his dearest friends. He seemed, however, to ignore this when looking upon her pinched and anxious face.

 

“ _Padmé, turn on your holoscreen,_ ” the Alderaanian princeling commanded, apparently deciding that greetings were completely unnecessary at that moment.

 

Ahsoka, who had been on the verge of taking a sip of juice, vetoed this as she made a dive for the remote sitting innocently on another couch. She fumbled with the buttons for a few seconds (which one turned the blasted machine on?) until the holoscreen flickered to life, right as the camera switched from a smoking, debris-littered street to a smartly-dressed Twi’lek newsperson, who looked quite delighted at reporting what was apparently an absolute disaster.

 

“ _This attack on the galaxy-wide toted Negotiator, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his charge, Tatooine’s senator Anakin Skywalker, has left streets emptied and partly destroyed after an estimated twenty-two bounty hunters converged on the senator and Jedi,”_ the reporter, whose name had just scrawled across the bottom of the screen in three of the most common Republic languages, stated with a concerned expression that just didn’t seem genuine. “ _Coruscant’s own police forces have apprehended eight of the bounty hunters, but Master Kenobi and Senator Skywalker are, as of present, still missing. “_

The Twi’lek went on to comment on how the Jedi Council’s decision to send a man with a bounty to defend someone _else_ with a bounty was stupid (a frequently and loudly voiced opinion Anakin was fond of stating, although he mentioned it purely because of his pride) in a polite way that couldn't exactly be combatted without the challenger appearing overly aggressive.

 

“ _It’s hoped that our most prominent general and his companion will reappear unhurt, but no evidence shows that the pair survived the attack,”_ she said seriously. Then she smiled, showing glinting white teeth. “ _This is Anqon’aven reporting. Back to the studio.”_

Padmé snarled something obscene under her breath, and Ahsoka pretended not to hear the usually mild senator’s harsh words.

 

“Have they even tried?” Senator Amidala asked, resuming her pacing with increased energy. “Looking for them, I mean.”

 

Ahsoka decided that she would be completely aware if either her master or her best friend were dead; both _were_ very powerful in the Force, and so she allowed herself to relax enough to take a sip of some of the prepared drink sitting on a table which _would_ have been impeccably tidy if not for a large collection of various mechanical parts piled up at one end (Anakin’s, most likely). “Probably,” she said, choking back a shudder as the repulsively sweet drink coated her tongue. “But Master Obi-Wan is a Jedi, and if he believed they were still being tracked he’d’ve probably hidden them somewhere until he was sure they were safe.”

 

“Hm.” Padmé remained unconvinced and continued walking about the room. Bail Organa’s small form, still standing shakily on the comlink, folded his hands together and looked around distractedly.

 

“ _Padmé, I’m going to go and look for them_ ,” Bail began, but was interrupted by his friend almost immediately.

 

“Wait for me,” she demanded. “Ahsoka and I are coming too.”

 

“We are?” the Padawan asked, intending to refuse (Obi-Wan would never have allowed her to follow the senator into danger), but finding that as the words dropped out of her mouth, she honestly, at this moment, did not particularly care what her master had to say when they found him. “Great!” Padmé and Bail were _excellent_ company, and Ahsoka had no qualms with accompanying the two).

 

“We’ll come to your apartment, we can-” Padmé said, but Senator Organa shook his head.

 

“ _I’m actually about to leave the senate. I’ll meet you at that café Obi-Wan’s always headed to._ Jett’s _or something-”_

“Dexter Jettster, or Dex’s Diner,” Ahsoka corrected. Obi-Wan had often taken her there, mostly for the purpose of obtaining information that could be considered unscrupulous from the Besalisk cook who, her master was wont to point out, was one of his most reliable informants.

 

“ _Yes, that. Thank you. I’ll see you both there.”_ The Alderaanian senator bowed his head slightly and the image disappeared.

 

Padmé’s head snapped from the deactivated link to Ahsoka. “Come on, dear. Let’s go.”

 

***

 

Anakin had never, in his entire life, been so glad to see Ahsoka Tano. Sure, the girl was a good friend and quite nice to talk to even though they butted heads frequently (although they got along better than they argued), but it meant that they could finally leave the sewers.

 

“I found them!” Ahsoka announced triumphantly to her companions, whom Anakin could not see because of the inescapable fact that he was in a sewer.

 

Two other heads joined the gleeful Togruta, the Alderaanian prince/senator/whatever Bail Organa, and Anakin’s very own, intelligent, kind, beautiful fiancée Padmé Amidala. They stared down at them from the grate, delicately concealed looks of revulsion on their contrasting faces.

 

Anakin and Obi-Wan stared back up.

 

“Hello,” Anakin said cheerfully. “Does that grating come off?”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes you are probably aware I gave up at the end but anyway
> 
> ALRIGHT I cannot for the life of me remember who actually started the 'Anakin as a senator' AU, but I can, in fact, remember that Shorelle from tumblr and dA drew Anakin as a particularly aggressive senator with Obi-Wan as his long-suffering bodyguard and it was just SO GREAT. And it got me thinking on what the circumstances would be to turn our incredible trashy overdramatic moron into a politician. Well, clearly he has a huge thing against slavery so that was an excellent place to start. But then, like, how did he NOT become a Jedi? Well, I guess the council never REALLY wanted him to become a Jedi, but after his badass heroics in the Battle of Naboo they agreed, right? So maybe they just never agreed. Or Obi-Wan didn't want to train Anakin, or Qui-Gon never managed to spit out 'train the kid Obi-Wan' before his untimely demise. 
> 
> Like so that's why Anakin and Obi-Wan are kind of just snarking at each other, they've never been Master and Padawan, so they don't really get each other. (I MUST ANNOUNCE Ani and Obi as the bestest friends is SO IMPORTANT TO ME as is bros Luke and Han, but I'm trying to be kind of realistic here BUT IF I WRITE MORE I MUST DEVELOP THESE IDIOTS).
> 
> And another thing PADME AND ANI ARE FREE TO BE A CUTE LITTLE COUPLE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT YODA OR WINDU NARROWING THEIR EYES THREATENINGLY or Palps using her against Ani ew gross I hate Sheev BECAUSE if Ani had visions as a senator he'd totally ask Obi-Wan and Ahsoka to help and everything would be fine and great.
> 
> YET ANOTHER THING Ahsoka as Obi-Wan's Padawan would be excellent; he'd be trying to discipline her and she'd be all 'Yes Master, No Master, As you wish Master,' and he'd think he was finally making her act like a Jedi and then she'd go hang out with GINORMOUS LOSER SENATORS and become badly behaved again with Anakin shamelessly encouraging her.
> 
> I just really LOVE
> 
> AUS.


End file.
